remembering

Dear Little One,

Ten years ago today I said good-bye to you. Way, way too soon.

I woke up that morning filled with excitement. I had known for several weeks that you were inside of me. Numerous positive tests, extreme exhaustion, fluttery tummy. You had made yourself known. But this was to be the first day that I would see you on an ultrasound. Daddy got off work early and met me at the doctor's office. I'm so glad he was there. Together we stared at you on the screen. The doctor grew very quiet as he examined you. His exact words I'll never forget: "I think we need to guard our hearts on this one." He found no heartbeat. You were not okay.

I spent the next several days in shock. But I felt fine. I felt pregnant. How could you not be okay? Wouldn't I know? I'm your mother. I should know this. Several blood tests, another ultrasound and surgery followed. It's all a bit blurry. But my heart hurt. More that it ever had.

To this day there are so many things I do not understand. I should have been able to hold you. I should have been able to touch your face and snuggle you close. I should have been able to watch you grow. I should have been able to hear you laugh with your siblings. But of this I am sure - God is good. He was right there with me as I said goodbye to you. And He will be right there with me when I meet you one day.

I miss you little one. And I love you.
~Mom