I am an anxious person. I worry about everything. I'm quite sure I will die of some heart-related illness due to decades of worry. (And I eat oatmeal every morning thinking I can somehow counteract the damage.) My worry is not selective. It's quite inclusive, in fact. I worry about all the usual things (money, health, security, choices for our kids, etc.). I worry about my family. I worry about my friends. But I get really ticked at myself when I worry about things that I should be enjoying. Like our upcoming trip to Disneyland. I'm a mess! I'm worried about the money. I'm worried someone will get sick and we'll have to cancel at the last minute. I'm worried about leaving Ethan (he's staying with my parents). I'm worried there will be a problem with our flight. I'm worried there will be a snafu with our hotel. Or that it will be gross and dirty and I won't be able to sleep there. Or that there will be bed bugs in the room. I worry about Audrey on the flight. Will her ears bother her? I worry about Audrey at Disneyland. Will she be affected by motion sickness that she occasionally gets in the car?
I'm finding that anxiety causes me to shut down when it comes to making decisions. I just can't handle too many choices so I just don't make one. We found out this morning that the hotel/ticket package we were looking at went up by $200. Probably because we waited so long to make it. But I'm in shut-down mode. Can't make a decision. What if it's the wrong decision? Do we save a few hundred bucks and stay someplace cheaper or go for the better place? Free breakfast or a view of the park from our room? Too many choices!!
So now I'm just angry with myself. What a great opportunity this is going to be! I'm so grateful we are able to do this. I'm so grateful my parents can watch Ethan so we can enjoy time with just the big kids. I'm so grateful Patrick was able to get time off from work. Why, oh why can't I just relax and enjoy the process??
**A few hours later** The kids and I just read a couple of chapters from our current Christian Heroes book. We are reading about David Livingstone who sacrificed so much to open the interior of Africa to the gospel message and work toward ending slave trade. What an amazing man! How small my worries appear when they are viewed from an eternal perspective. How small are my worries appear when I am reminded of people who have real struggles in their lives. How selfish I am when I try to do this on my own. I am reminded that my blessings are so great and my faith is so small. "...I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24b